Today I have learned what it is to hate.
I always thought I knew about hatred. That girl in high school who drove me nuts, the guys who hurt me, the world that royally fucks me over at every possible turn. But I learned today that I hate myself now more than I thought it possible to hate anyone. I deserve nothing. I am nothing.
It is a cold fire, this hate. My chest rings hollow and frozen, but at the same time the fierce burn never ceases to swallow me whole, over and over, each heartbeat as hated as the one before it and each breath offering new opportunity for my self-loathing to consume me. If I could will my heart to stop, I would have been dead the minute I had to tell him no.
There should be no happiness for someone like me. I know that now.
